Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
You Might Also Like
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN