Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments