hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Sooo many times…..
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there