They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
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Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride