[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
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Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.