Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
This will never not be funny 😭
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo