If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
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I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.