Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay