We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Whoa 😂
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.