DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
me linking you to my twitter
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?