I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.