“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
*orders delivery*
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?