My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
You Might Also Like
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.