My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.