Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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knights of the ikea table
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
*lint rolls you awake*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”