That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song