what kind of cook setting is this??
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
That’s it.I’m out.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.