[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Never let them know your next move 😂
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
These 3D printers are insane!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Saturday
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit