My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol