There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had