Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.