Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
We have a winner.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
new shirt idea
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt