You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.