At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL