I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
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OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls