Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”