Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
You Might Also Like
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
👾👾👾
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that