I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!