Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
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A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
channeling her this year
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
TODAY
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.