Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Twitter remains undefeated
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person