Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I feel attacked.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.