I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My beach vacation Google searches
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.