“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is