Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper