Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
You Might Also Like
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My blood type is b hungry.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.