Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
If youβve ever wanted to change up your name, nowβs the time. New name, add a name, doesnβt matter. When you go back to work, itβll be all Yeah, Tom, Iβm pretty sure my last nameβs always been Twizzlers.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying βinsufficient funds.β Youβd think theyβd have refilled it by now.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
ππππΉ
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you canβt keep your leggings out of its toe
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and sheβll just be like βand then weβll pick the kids up and go straight from there.β
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*first day as a conductor
βTickets, pleaseβ
*the orchestra is confused
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. Whatβs not to like?
Too bad you canβt get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.