Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
never compromise your values
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?