Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Geez man, take it easy.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.