Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
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Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I want this so bad
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Dudes named Chance never had one.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step