People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
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*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?