Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
is this meant to deter me
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun