After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.