Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”