[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My dad.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
That was easy.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Wait for it
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter