How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
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Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me: