NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house