It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.