best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Ah..makes sense now
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.