Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket