Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”